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Mar. 1st, 2017

No sleep

Midterms, all night up so far. I didn't need to be up all night, but I was. I know the material, but I can't stop worrying. I think I think, I think. I am always thinking; trying to see the end. My life wasn't like this before. I was able to sleep. My mind is rushing with thoughts. Some might think this is a good thing, that one might find inspiration. I could agree to some extent but not entirely.
A buddy made a comment the other day, "I'm glad I'm not the only one. The military got my anxiety up always now." These words spoke to me. He's right. I'm changed.

Feb. 17th, 2012

Meaning

Foe years, people have gone a self searching quest on the meaning of life. I believe that ridiculous we all have diffent meanings. the is no standard. I'm not going to sit here and say I think its and a waste of time to go on thinking that because we all think about this at one point of our life. I know I did. I had a routine and no set goal except for college. it seemed so dull and utterly empty. there was no difference from my goal then any other person in my class in high school. I needed something more. I joined the Navy. lol. Well, its alright. Its got its ups and downs, more downs then ups lately.
I believe I am here on this Earth to look after someone. That some one is Elizabeth De Los Reyes. I know this because never once did I really stop and think weather or not I wanted to do anything to make her happy. I just felt that way. My heart is happy when she is happy. I am happy. I love with all my heart. I found some meaning in life, the majority of it. I also believe I must do anything in my hand possible to help people to help out my future Marines. I need to. I will be there family here. I will care for them when they are hurt. There is a sense of satifaction even without recognicion of my act from others, when I help them out. God help me in my practice of medicine to do everything possible to help anybody in need. But over all help me make Elizabeth happy as a future husband, a husband,and a friend.

Jan. 9th, 2012

Distant Relationship

I didnt want her to leave. I guess even when I say Im really not I am. I am a hopeless romantic lol. I do. I do love her. I know that Ive got to be far from her at times. I guess thats one of the sacrifes you have to make for your loved ones. Im in the US Navy. I thought God didnt hear me, but he did. Evenwhen, I stopped believing in him, he still believed in me. For he, let me fall in love with one of his angels. I love her. I love Elizabeth. She loves me. I just dont know how it happened.
It was because eventhough we were and are apart, we never forget the time we spend together. She makes me happy. She makes me truely happy.
Now, we are engaged...........

Dec. 29th, 2011

Trust

On leave, I thought I'd be happy but I'm not. I thought commingle back here would be good for me but no it wasn't. I just made me remember why I left this place, and why I left my family. I'm not them.  I'm nothing like them. The more time I spend the better I want to be. I guess the only good thing about coming here was Elizabeth and remember why I left. I dislike this place!!!! I really don't like it. I want to get away from it all. I understand my aunt why she always wants to get away from this place.

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Dec. 2nd, 2011

(no subject)

Its been about a week since I've been dating her. The angel. She is for those that don't believe me.  She is something. She's got me changing for her. I don't why. Could it be? That God answered my pray. I remember praying a very long tine ago. It was when I was done with all the playing. I wanted to change so I asked Him to send me an angel. She fell and I was there to catch her. How my heart aches at the thought of me messing up. I know that I've done some pretty dumb stuff but I really don't know. What I'm doing is something I wouldn't of ever done for anyone. I guess she got me. This is something. I guess. Why do I say that, is it because I really don't care anymore. Well, then ill learn again. Ill care for her.

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Nov. 13th, 2011

A distant post from home

so much as occured since the last post. Where have i been? Well, Ive been here. I never thought the being homesick was possible for me, but between the loniness, stress, amd the fighting, home seems immpossible to get to. Im going home though. In like 10 days, I will be on my way. I really dont miss much of my family. Cold hearted you would say, no just the way i am. I tend not to miss many things. Never have I missed something or someone that much, except for the one girl named Amanda, its a long story as we know.
Elizabeth was my friends danny girlfriend at one point in time. I never thought anything much about her honestly. I talk to her, she was a friend. She had always been a friend and now she is the reason I return to my hometown. The place I was sworn to forget. There is nothing I missed.I miss my family from time to time. In those moments of solitute, a happy memory of my me and dead father cross my mind and then there are those times that I rather forget. My father was a hard man on me, very strict. Who would of thought that I would love the guy that struck me for reasons I thought were ridiculous. He was a good man.
He was right. Before he past away, he wrote to me through emails. At the moment, I was into Alondra yet as I was. I didnt want to hurt her. I would find someone. I dont know if I actually found one right now but I know Elizabeth is different from girls Ive been.
I fear at times that I really dont know what it is Im feeling, maybe its the solitude. I dont know. I just know I want to be with her now. There is nothing I want more right now. I stop to think every once in while how long Ive been with her now and I still dont doubt her.
Long distant relationships are some of the ones people tend to stay away from because of the lack of trust, attention, etc. but right now this is going well.
God is good to her. She is an angel. An angel send by God to care for me. Im not in love not yet at least. Never been in love with anyone actually. Strange isnt it. Funny too in a weird sort of way. My demons hate her. Thats a good thing. Elizabeth is a church girl. Shes been getting me into going to church and eventhough I thought I lost all chances of going to heaven. she has made me believe that I still have I chance. An angel send to light my way out of the dark.
There have been brief moments in life that I was truly happy. Why? Maybe its the bad childhood. The lossing of my loved ones one after another or the thought of going to hell. Ive done some prety bad things in my life. My soul is filled with sin. Well, its getting better. I really didnt know who I was. Elizabeth has made me believe I aint damed. Ive drowned my sorrows with alchol but this was not enough in the past.
People say Im anti-social because I deny going out with them but its not that. Im just dont want ot pick up old habits again. Im ready to change.
I hated the Navy and its system but now that I get to Elizabeth, it makes me beliee that the are still doing something good.
Navy? Well, its alright but ill write about it.
10 more days till I see you Elizabeth.

Nov. 2nd, 2011

(no subject)

She loves me like all the others.
Why can they love me and I can't truly love them in another way not physical? Why does nothing ever seem to catch my intrested for more then I few days at the most. I think was meant to be alone for even though she want to be with me like that. I don't. Am I scared to make a commitment like that? I believe so and yet I yield for that commitment. Have I lost that ability? I'm I not human anymore did he really answer my request? God I don't want to be alone. I don't want random women everyday. I'm across that if I do say yes to her then it will just kill her inside. For she knows she won't she me and I knows that I might be unfaithful. Torn apart as to how this is going to end is how I am. She was the angel god send to me to make me realize I still have a chance. But how can I ever be with her. I am not for I think. I know ill hurt her. I feel this will happen. I hope it will not but I'm not sure. My job will take from her and it will end like it was destined. I hope the best for both of us

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Oct. 31st, 2011

(no subject)

Why must I torture myself with these childish thoughts. I refuse to do this and yet I purse it. She seems great like a girl I would like to spend a life time with. My insecurity is getting to me. " Am I really good enough for her. Will I make her happy or will I fill her world with worry. Such angelic being, she is. I would hate my self if I ever did anything to bother her. For I know, I am weak for women. I feel like I am banded from the heaven and I should abandon all thoughts of a heaven.  I can't. I will not give up. My life will not end the way I feel. Sad, anger, and loneliness blinds my head of a good at times I think.

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Jun. 27th, 2011

Day before bootcamp

I though it was going to be hard on me leaving this place. It was just a bunch of meaningless worries. I was worring about leaving because of leaving certain people behind. I was just being a little dumb. I like everyone so very much but life must go on. I doubt I will ever see anyone of my friends ever again. Oh, well I was a jolly good...lol...time I spend with all of my friends. I ain't caring much for leaving. I know that now that my father is dead, I will take care of my brother and of my sister. I will have to change. I will have to be hard on them. I want them to grow up to someone big one day. I will aid them in continuing their studies. May God help me.

Jun. 17th, 2011

Time to move on

I wa thinking. I was thinking that it is time to move on with my life. I will not let her torment my memories anymore. She is history like she should of been a long time ago. She left me because I was a dush-bag. I know I was a jerk to her. I was younger and well nieve of what it was that I felt for her. I know I will not stop loving her. For she was the first I truly feel complete with. Now I know that if I continue living like this she will never come back. I got to exceed in life to get her back. Wait, what am I saying, I could live without her. I don't need those memories that although amazing are torment to my soul. I need to move on that is what I need, to continue to try to find what I had with her. Next time, I will be ready to love her. yet, I will not repeat the same mistake as my father and try to fill the emptiness with liquor and women. Although, he is dead now. He died about a week ago. Well, I loved that man but there nothing to be sad. He repented him self( think that is how it's said) and was saved before death. He told me to change my ways. That he does not want me to fill the whole in my heart with liquor like I was starting to and that I was going to stop trying to fill it with women. For I relized that even when you are getting some frequently, if there is no love there is only empty sex. Well, don't get me wrong, I'm still young and I still love empty sex. I don't mind it but I tied of trying to hide everything I do from everyone. I am starting over to become a warrior of God. I will walk down that less frequented path. It might be tough but I could only hope God will be by my side. I will have to start by letting go of Amanda. God give my strenghth to give my heart peace. I don't want to forget yet I know it's for the better for without her...well, I don't know. I guess I need to start approching women with more pure intentions. Maybe, one could help me forget the pain of her lost in my life. I wish her well though never do I want to curse her for althougth she is not her with, she made me happy. she made me truly happy. She gave light to dark of the night, she let there be someone to lean on for me, she made me see my flaws and want to correct them when I looked in to the iris of her eyes. I hope her well. I hope she is doing well in college. It took the death of my father to realize that if I die like him suddenly. I might not havetime tommorow. I've got to live life to fullest. Alway sieze your first chance for there might not be a next. I will sieze the chance, dad. God help me in the name of Jesus Christ.

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